


Lost

by sunaddicted



Series: Tumblr Prompts 2018 [18]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Character Study, Drabble, F/F, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-05-05 21:10:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14627097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunaddicted/pseuds/sunaddicted
Summary: [...]everything that Barbara liked in a potential partner, enclosed in steel and sharp edges rather than shiny wrapping paper and soft bows.





	Lost

**Author's Note:**

> @witchunters asked for things you said when(?)+thompkean
> 
> I chose things you said when you left

_Lost_

Barbara had never quite understood herself; it was a constant in her life, something that had always left her with an ever-expanding gaping hole in her stomach that was filled with dread and solitude - something that had always made her acutely aware of the fact that she didn’t belong, that there was no place for her.

She had thought she had found it so many times in her life and had always been proven wrong, pushed down to the ground to start looking again for somewhere she would be welcomed.

Tabitha had been the closest she had ever been to feeling truly loved and wanted since she had been reborn her true self, but there had always been something between them.

Barriers they had never really been able to tear down; a superficial trust that had never had the occasion to blossom into something more deeply rooted; love that hadn’t been set free to grow.

Still, it had hurt being discarded to the side. Never in her life Barbara had sympathized with Penguin so much, found herself in his exact same shoes - at least, Tabitha had come back to her at some point.

But things were different.

Obviously.

It didn’t mean that Barbara had to like it and, at some point, it had become rather tiring feeling like the only one who was trying to mend things between them; forced to watch the woman she loved and cared about run after a man she hated, Barbara had grown weary.

She had stopped fighting and had resigned herself to only know how it felt being a few steps away from perfection, never actually reaching it.

She had made her peace with settling for scraps, the thought filling her mouth with bitter saliva - a truth hard to swallow, as deathly as poison.

Then, Lee had re-appeared in the picture: beautiful, clever, charming, assertive - everything that Barbara liked in a potential partner, enclosed in steel and sharp edges rather than shiny wrapping paper and soft bows.

Much like Tabitha.

But she was different.

Obviously.

It didn’t mean that Barbara couldn’t learn how to love her, cherish her for who she was - _not who she reminded her of._

Barbara slid out of bed, leaving behind her the warmth of the covers and of a body that stirred when the mattress trembled, following her movements; methodically, she gathered her clothes and pulled them on, hiding under cloth and buttons.

“Are you leaving already?” Lee murmured, voice half muffled behind the palm of her hand plastered against her mouth in an attempt at stiefling a yawn “It’s barely five in the morning” if there was something she had learnt, it was that the other woman wasn’t an early riser.

“I need to go” Barbara just answered, shrugging “The city might have been saved for one day, but I doubt that the new ginger number in town will give up on his grand schemes so easily” she said, turning around only after she was done fussing with her clothes and hair - only when she could offer the pristine image of someone unreachable.

Not even by Lee.

“Since when you care so much about the city?”

Barbara scoffed “Do I look like Nygma to you?” She couldn’t help the bitterness in her voice “You might be a very charming woman, my dear, but not all of us are so eager to erase our own personalities to please you”

“Barbara?” Lee sat up, frowning: what had happened during the night for the other’s mood to change so thoroughly? When Barbara had come to her the night before, she had been elated - her adrenaline running high after some kind of firefight.. Lee hadn’t been able to focus much on her words, not with Barbara’s lips trailing down her neck.

Barbara sighed and closed her eyes, fingers briefly going to her temple “I can’t do this anymore” she admitted in the end, throat tightening around the words.

“What?” Lee fought against the sheets that seemed to have suddenly gained life in order to keep her prisoner; she ungracefully stumbled out of bed and hurried closer to the other woman, her hands going to cradle her face “What’s wrong?”

“Us”

“How?”

Barbara opened her mouth but found herself at loss of words: she had reasons, of course - she just didn’t know how to voice them “I can’t be a little secret any longer”

“You’re-” Lee pressed her lips together when the lie almost rolled off of his tongue: Barbara _was_ her little secret.

“I know you need Nygma on your side” Barbara said, swiping her thumb over that tightly clenched shut mouth “I’m not saying that you should leave him.. but I need to have more self-respect than this”

Lee could understand that: it was the reason why she hadn’t fallen back into bed with Jim “But.. I love you”

“I love you too” Barbara closed her eyes and leaned in to kiss Lee - one last time before she turned her back on her “Find me when you’re finally free”


End file.
